Over the weekend I suffered a loss. My grandma's brother Michael passed away. Although I didn't get to spend a ton of time with him as he lived in Denver so he was quite a distance away, he was someone that was important in my life. Since his death this weekend, I've tried to figure out what it was that could make someone I didn't see frequently important in my life, and how I could explain this to someone. I think the answer to this is that Michael was somewhat of a "kindred spirit." He was someone with an amazing fire in his soul. I'd like to think I have this same kind of fire within me. It of course does not manifest itself in the same way, but I think that is where the connection comes from. I also only have a single uncle, so even though he was technically my great uncle, he was a lot closer to an uncle than I really had (besides my sole living uncle).
About two and a half years back I travelled out to Denver with my grandma to visit Michael when he was in the hospital. This was at a time when I personally was in a really awful place, I was just realizing I had anxiety and depression issues. I also have a deep seeded hatred of spending time in hospitals. But I love Colorado, I love spending time with my grandma, and I liked the idea of visiting Michael even if it was in the hospital. That trip is one of my favorite memories, my grandma and I visited some beautiful places, and Michael made me laugh a lot as he told me many stories of growing up with my grandma and their six other siblings. This was the trip when I had my first real moments of clarity after being diagnosed with my mental issues. I will never regret my decision to blow off all my plans that week and drive out there with my grandma. It is one of the best decisions I ever made.
Now I'm left here trying to process this new loss. The hardest thing for me is trying to let go, to wrap my head around the fact that this is a person that is no longer going to be in my life. It's not an idea I easily accept or deal with. But I'm trying. Hopefully in writing this blog I'll be able to release another small piece.
Another thing I shared with Michael was our mutual love for the mountains. Out windows of his house were gorgeous views of the mountains. Barbra, his wife, told my grandma that she saw an eagle (Michael's animal kindred spirit if you ask me, a great love of his) out their window the other day on the side of their house facing the mountains. She went outside and the eagle circled a couple of times and she felt a calm, like Michael was telling her everything was going to be okay. I'm actually very comforted by this. I have my own mix of ideas about spirituality and one of the ideas I embrace is that I think it is very possible that people can either be reincarnated or they can come back to reassure loved ones in different forms after death. I truly believe that this eagle was Michael letting Barbra know that everything was okay now. He was sick and fighting for so long, I think it was his way of saying he was finally free. Free spirits should never be tied down, and Michael was definitely a free spirit, and I think being sick for so long tied him down in a way that no one ever should have.
Maybe I'll buy some paint tonight, I think I already have the canvas, and I can paint something of the mountains, maybe an eagle if I can manage it. Something of release perhaps, an abstract representation. I think that might help me remember that he is free now.
I just want to take the lesson from Michael to live my life as fully as possible because I think that although his life was ended prematurely, he lived an incredible, full life. And I have to believe he probably didn't have too many regrets as he knew he was going to die. I want to live my life that way too.
That is beautiful :)
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