To Be Loved

Mostly I just use this blog to post about my thoughts about life. Tonight I want to post about something a little gushy. I spent a lot of time having people leaving me. My parents and my sister were always there. But friends, boyfriends, a lot of them really hurt me, especially the ones that I thought were important to me.
And then one day, Selleck walked into my life. And everything changed. I had thought I had been in love before, but I had no idea what love was. It wasn't until Selleck and I started dating that I really learned what it was like to love someone, to never want to lose someone, to want to spend the rest of your life with someone.
The other thing I learned because of Selleck, is what it is like to be loved. And not just in a familial we love you because we are related to you kind of way, but to really be loved for all that you are by someone who has no reason to have to love you, but does anyway. I learned what it was like to let someone new in and to trust someone with everything and every part of myself. I now know what it is to feel like I don't have to hide part of myself. I have never so fully revealed who I am to someone, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And for some reason, even having seen it all, he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me too. I feel so extremely blessed to have someone in my life that makes me feel so amazing about myself with nothing more than just a look. Having someone love me has made me into so much of a better person. He makes me smarter and stronger. And he makes me so much more confident. He makes me want to do amazing things. I just hope that my loving him does all the things for him that he does for me.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

Healthy Living

So I'm trying really hard to clean up my act and get healthy and in shape. However, I don't like working out, and I don't like healthy foods like vegetables. So this is an issue. I have a plan though. Hit the gym for half an hour to an hour depending on my level of soreness, between classes, eat honey nut cheerios for breakfast (only one bowl), one 100 calorie snack between each meal, salad for lunch (with grilled chicken and croutons, but no dressing because yuck), yoga and sit-ups in the evening with my roommates, no soda during the week, juice or fresca is allowed, I'm attempting to replace coffee with black tea on days when I need a caffeine boost, but I haven't tried that one yet, and portion control on my dinners that may or may not be healthy depending on what I manage. So far I am hungry and tired and sore. I'm hoping my body just starts to get used to it and it becomes normal. This kinda sucks though. But I'm trying.

The Eagle and the Mountain

Over the weekend I suffered a loss. My grandma's brother Michael passed away. Although I didn't get to spend a ton of time with him as he lived in Denver so he was quite a distance away, he was someone that was important in my life. Since his death this weekend, I've tried to figure out what it was that could make someone I didn't see frequently important in my life, and how I could explain this to someone. I think the answer to this is that Michael was somewhat of a "kindred spirit." He was someone with an amazing fire in his soul. I'd like to think I have this same kind of fire within me. It of course does not manifest itself in the same way, but I think that is where the connection comes from. I also only have a single uncle, so even though he was technically my great uncle, he was a lot closer to an uncle than I really had (besides my sole living uncle).
About two and a half years back I travelled out to Denver with my grandma to visit Michael when he was in the hospital. This was at a time when I personally was in a really awful place, I was just realizing I had anxiety and depression issues. I also have a deep seeded hatred of spending time in hospitals. But I love Colorado, I love spending time with my grandma, and I liked the idea of visiting Michael even if it was in the hospital. That trip is one of my favorite memories, my grandma and I visited some beautiful places, and Michael made me laugh a lot as he told me many stories of growing up with my grandma and their six other siblings. This was the trip when I had my first real moments of clarity after being diagnosed with my mental issues. I will never regret my decision to blow off all my plans that week and drive out there with my grandma. It is one of the best decisions I ever made.
Now I'm left here trying to process this new loss. The hardest thing for me is trying to let go, to wrap my head around the fact that this is a person that is no longer going to be in my life. It's not an idea I easily accept or deal with. But I'm trying. Hopefully in writing this blog I'll be able to release another small piece.
Another thing I shared with Michael was our mutual love for the mountains. Out windows of his house were gorgeous views of the mountains. Barbra, his wife, told my grandma that she saw an eagle (Michael's animal kindred spirit if you ask me, a great love of his) out their window the other day on the side of their house facing the mountains. She went outside and the eagle circled a couple of times and she felt a calm, like Michael was telling her everything was going to be okay. I'm actually very comforted by this. I have my own mix of ideas about spirituality and one of the ideas I embrace is that I think it is very possible that people can either be reincarnated or they can come back to reassure loved ones in different forms after death. I truly believe that this eagle was Michael letting Barbra know that everything was okay now. He was sick and fighting for so long, I think it was his way of saying he was finally free. Free spirits should never be tied down, and Michael was definitely a free spirit, and I think being sick for so long tied him down in a way that no one ever should have.
Maybe I'll buy some paint tonight, I think I already have the canvas, and I can paint something of the mountains, maybe an eagle if I can manage it. Something of release perhaps, an abstract representation. I think that might help me remember that he is free now.
I just want to take the lesson from Michael to live my life as fully as possible because I think that although his life was ended prematurely, he lived an incredible, full life. And I have to believe he probably didn't have too many regrets as he knew he was going to die. I want to live my life that way too.

Dress For Success

This time when the phrase "dress for success" is used, I'm not referring to dressing professionally for your job. I'm talking about something a little different...
I've been having a lot of self-esteem issues lately. With a new disease I've been contending with and weight gain from the medication I haven't been feeling all that great about myself, regardless of how many times my fiance tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. I'm done with that now though. No more self-pity. It's not like I gained a ton of weight, just enough to make my pants not fit, it was a fight to put my jeans on. And it is really difficult to feel good about yourself when you can't easily put your pants on. This weekend though, I got some jeans that are the new correct size, a large width belt (that's super cute!) to wear around my waist on those days when I feel like I have more to hide, and a couple other new pieces just because they are cute. And that's it. I'm not having the self pity party anymore.
...So when I say dress for success, I'm talking about success of self. I'm not allowing myself to dress how I feel anymore, I'm going to dress how I WANT to feel. I want to feel good, so I'm going to dress in a way that makes me feel good. That is not to say I'm giving up the sweatpants when I'm chilling at home. Or that I'm giving up the big cozy sweatshirts because I'm still in college, I get exhausted, and it's fricken freezing here. I'm just not going to wear it so often anymore. I'm going to feel good from now on.

"Glamour is about feeling good in your own skin." -Zoe Saldana

That Beautiful Quiet

I may be getting very sick of winter, but it is days like this that remind me why I do love winter. There is something amazingly special about the big, soft snowflakes that are just like the kind falling today. If you stand outside and listen, everything gets incredibly quiet. If you just stand there for a moment you experience (in my opinion) one of the world's most beautiful moments. It's not something grand, it's just something small, but it is absolutely incredible. And no matter what is going on in my life, in that little moment everything goes away and there is peace in my life again, if even for an instant.

"The world changes when it snows. It's quiet. Everything softens." -Gilmore Girls

And the Bug Bites Again

The travel bug is at it again. I am having this intense desire to travel. Partially because it is way too cold, but mostly because I can't imagine my life without travel, and it has been far too long again. It is my personal belief that you learn the most when you travel. You learn new environments, new cultures, new food, new people, new architecture, new everything. You don't even need to travel very far, just get out of your comfortable environment. Go somewhere new, go somewhere you've already been. It doesn't matter. There is always something new to be learned, something new to see, something new to photograph (for me as a photographer this is always a big draw). And by traveling you will learn to look at the world a little bit differently.
I can't remember for sure, but I think my first trip was a road trip to the east coast to visit my grandfather at the age of four or five. And I've been traveling ever since then. My parents always saved money for trips. We didn't always have money to buy the latest and greatest thing, but I never cared because our extra money went towards trips, and as far as I'm concerned, that is one of the most amazing things my parents ever did for me growing up. My sister never had quite the same appreciation for it as I did (not that she didn't like traveling), for me it was a drug. Every trip brought about a new high. Something so exciting, nothing else could replace the feeling of stepping off the plane, or out of the car in a new location. I become completely obsessed leading up to trips. The anticipation is almost too much to handle. I would literally give up all of my non necessary possessions for a lifetime of travel.
There are very few things in this world that could compare to the feeling of being in a new place. And as a traveler, as much as I like just hanging out by the pool or on the beach, that's not my idea of a trip. It's always part of it, but not the majority of it. If you don't go out and experience the life going on around you in the new place, see it's monuments, it's everyday areas, a whole spread of what's going on there, you're cheating yourself out of an amazing experience.

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page." -Saint Augustine

A Tiny Bit of Frustration

Planning for a wedding is way more work than I previously anticipated. I called today to do what I thought would be booking my wedding. Instead all I was able to do was to was have my information recorded so a wedding consultant can get in touch with me. And I'm not able to actually put down a deposit for another 3 months. Which of course is going to be right when I'm working on studying for my last set of finals and preparing for graduation. Sometimes being an adult is not so fun.

"It's often the bend in the road that makes life worth the drive."